Friday, September 07, 2007


Pretty funny.

The most common type of American, the obese American makes up about 96% of the population A. fatassus, mostly inhabits cities like Houston and Chicago. It is often seen gathered around fast-food joints, and is easily recognizable because it is the most massive of all the species.

A. Fatassus is a parasitic omnivore, and it uses its lobes of fat to suck the ambient life force out of the surrounding environment. The obese American will also eat anything, be it shit-grade beef or compressed garbage, so long as it is sandwiched in a burger bun or taco shell. It eats in large volumes, and stores the fat in sacs that give it its obese appearance. It saves the stored energy in case it has to do something strenuous, like walking ten feet. Its two-ton body is, in many cases, too heavy to move without aid, and so it relies on SUVs to cart itself around (much like Jabba the Hut on his sail barge).

Males and females are indistinguishable, because rolls of fat block the genitals from view. Further confusing gender identification are the man-boobs seen on chest of the male, as well as the extreme quantity of blubber stored under the skin of the face, arms, legs, thighs, and ass (some scientists believe that this type of American stores the fat for easy access in the case of energy needed for extreme exertion, such as breathing and the moving of limbs). One should avoid mating with them, or watching them mate, at all costs, even if that means stabbing your eyes out to keep the horror at bay.

Now that the Commies are in power, Brazil is governed by the Robin Hood principle, as elequently (if vaguely) stated in the Brazilian constitution. Every bandit, provided they're poor, is a victim of the Brazilian unequal society and those damn American Imperialists. So every criminal is considered his own personal Robin Hood for judgement purposes, stealing from the rich to give it to the poor — the poor, in this case, being the bandit himself.

Despite the vast majority of Brazilians declaring themselves Catholics, the religious scene of Brazil is quite syncretic. Brazilians are all adept in more than one religion at the same time.

* Brazilian-style Catholicism: about the same as normal Catholicism, just that you can wear condoms and screw a lot before, during and after the marriage and don't feel any guilt. Killing a white middle-class person in Brazilian Catholicism is also considered a minor sin if performed by an almost-revolutionary-socially-excluded person.
* Fundamentalist Evangelicals: basically, the local variation was founded by street burglars. But instead of yelling "Your money or your life" they started asking: "Your money or your eternal life".
* Traditional Evangelicals: the same as Fundamentalist Evangelicals but attending services at way poorer churches because their priests never learned how to take as much money from people as the Fundamentalist Evangelical ones do.
* The Cult of The Butt: actually, the only religion practiced by 100% male Brazilians. The adepts congregate at temples called bars, drink their sacred beverage, and start singing chants about their favourite body part. When a female passes, they perform the sacred ritual named stalking. Historians once thought that the Brazilian flag was inspired by freemasonry, but the real answer is quite obvious from that curve (see above)...

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